19. Overcoming Challenges, Daily Habits & The Power of Writing with Troy Karnes

In this insightful episode of Caffeinated Chaos, host Whitney Aguon chats with writer and mental wellness advocate Troy Karnes about personal growth, overcoming struggles, and the power of daily habits. They dive deep into the importance of accountability, self-discipline, and community support—whether in sobriety, business, or life.  

Troy shares valuable insights from the recovery community, emphasizing the "one day at a time" approach and how small, consistent actions lead to long-term success. He also highlights the role of friendships, support networks, and self-awareness in personal development.  

Additionally, Troy introduces his structured journaling method, explaining how writing helps process emotions, reduce mental clutter, and create clarity. If you’ve ever struggled with motivation, maintaining habits, or expressing your thoughts, this episode is packed with practical takeaways!  

Key Topics Covered:  

✔️ HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

✔️ FORD = Family, Occupation, Recreational, Dreams

Resources & Links:

🔗 Connect with Troy Carnes: LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/troykarnes/ 

📖 Upcoming Book: No Silver Bullets - CLICK HERE to Pre-order the book 

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Cheers! Thank you for joining us for another episode. Have a chaotic moment, question, or topic you want us to cover? Drop us a message or leave a review! If you loved this episode, share it with a friend who thrives in beautiful chaos too.

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Transcript

0:35

Welcome back to Caffeinated Chaos. Today, we are going to be joined by our guest, Troy. He is a father, a husband, a recovering alcoholic, and a salesman. He's survived cancer, he's a business consultant, and a writer. I know, so many things. We are going to get into so much today. There are so many great things you're going to get from this episode, so stay tuned and let's welcome Troy to Caffeinated Chaos. Welcome to the podcast, Troy. It's so nice to have you here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Whitney. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. So what should we start with? First? Should we start with your chaotic moment first? We can. Yeah. Let's just get it out of the way. Let's just get it out of the way. Okay. So this is, this is like a couple of months ago and I get a call from my kids, like summer and they're like, he's a mess. You have to come get him. He's good. He's going crazy. Like he's like just massive, massive tantrum. Right. And I'm like. I start freaking out. I like jumped. In the car, because seven minutes after they call me, I am supposed to onboard a client for a brand new like consulting venture that I started and like, this is the first one, right? Like, there's like all this pressure and I'm like, Oh my God, this is like I've been working so long to get this one guy and then I got him and now I have to, like, I'm going to be late, like, there's no way I can do this call from the car, like, it's supposed to be on Zoom, I'm going to be on camera with him, like, the whole thing, like, just a, just a disaster, right? Oh no! And I'm just fuming, like, the whole drive, and I'm, uh, you know, when you're an adult, you don't speed, you just make good time. So I was making really good time. I was making really good time and I get there and I like scoop the kid out and I'm like, bring him out. I'm like, don't even, don't even, someone, someone turn around. And then like, I like get back on. Like, hey man, I'm sorry. Like I was an hour late. I'd be an hour late to this thing. And the guy was so gracious. They're amazing. He was like. It's fine. Sorry, like life happens. I was like, Oh, and like, what a reminder that like, people are generally pretty cool, you know, and like, understand that shit happens in life. And it happens to everybody. It's not like I'm the only person who has chaos. Like, you have this whole thing. So people get talking about chaos, right? So yes, yes. That's like the whole thing we're doing here is making it more relatable. And like, You don't have to be embarrassed if stuff goes quote unquote wrong like it, you know, and I was, I was so embarrassed and I was like, you know, like you want to nail the first one, right? Like, I'm so professional. I'm like, good. I'm like, well, and, and yeah, he's like, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Okay, well, I feel like a lot of our listeners can definitely like relate to that. Like, I know that I can. Relate to that. Even before this I was like doing my part time job and I had like An hour between getting off of that and meeting with you, and I'm just like, how many tacos can I stuff in my face before I have to go put my makeup on and get ready? And then I was like, two. Two is the number, Troy. That's, that's how many I ate for lunch. How did you know I would ask? I was gonna ask. Yeah, two. That's good. Two. I saw it in your eyes. So, yeah. Um, okay. So, now that we kind of talked about that, why don't we actually tell the listeners what you do, you know? Now that they've, now that they've got their tea, we've spilled the tea on that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm, I'm a writer. I'm a writer. I have a, I have a manuscript that's, I'm revising it. Deep, deep in revisions that we'll publish in the spring, which is very exciting. Uh, and then I do ghostwriting as well. So that's like what pays the bills. Okay. Let me, let me ask. I was an editor in high school and do you, cause I don't, I feel like this for me was a thing. Do you feel like it takes more time for the revisions than the actual writing the raw document? Like the first time you're writing the words. You know, um, yeah, it's gonna be, it's gonna be equal parts. It will, it will be equal parts for me. Yeah. Yeah. But fair. I, I was a sports editor in high school and I like, sometimes I'm just like, Am I saying the right words? And then I was like, I'll hit it in revision. And then I'm like sitting there and I'm like, Rethinking everything. And I was like, Whitney, it's sports. Like people really just care. What's the final score? Like, do we win or do we lose? Like, you know? Yeah. Uh, yeah, for me, well, listen, it's, it's going to end up being equal parts because if not, yes, I mean, the revisions could be. Never ending. Right. Like if you're just like driving towards perfectionism, then it could never, it could never end. Right. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And that's like sort of the thing about perfectionism. I thought about this the other day. And like, maybe this is a little off topic, but like, yeah, chasing is, Oh, okay. Uh, so like I had to stop there, like chasing perfectionism, right. It's like running on a treadmill and trying to catch yourself in the mirror. Right. Oh, that's a good one. Cause you never will. You work so damn hard. And you'll never get there, right? You'll never get the guy in the mirror, or the girl in the mirror, or whatever, right? Yeah, but you'll, you'll work real hard trying. Yeah. So I try to, I try to think about that now. Like, hey, it's good, like, okay, it just has to be done at some point, and then it's done, flaws and all. I, I think right there, Troy, is our little snippet for the preview of this episode. Amazing. I've never thought about it that way, but that's such a good way of looking at it. I mean, if you ever catch the person in the mirror, it just means that your treadmill broke and you ran into the mirror. Um, which is so embarrassing, but would make us such a great story for this podcast, too. If it ever happens to me, I'll ever happens. Yeah, I'll come back. Yeah, I'll come back. So we are gonna talk a little bit about friendship today, like friendship building and having people in your life that you can actually, go to and talk to, which is actually a really great topic. Um, I feel like as I moved into mom mode and like getting older, that like, I would rather have five close friends than 50 people I see. You know, randomly through the next month. I mean, how do you feel about that? Or how do you feel about friendships? Yeah. So the book that I'm writing, there's a chapter about loneliness and, um, you know, kind of the framework of this book is, is halt, right? And halt says we're hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. And nobody makes any, nobody makes any good decisions when they're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. So it's like an easy way to, right. And definitely. And that is not, that's not my idea. That's been around for a really long time. I learned about it, uh, when I went to rehab for my drinking problem and I was like, Oh, okay, this is terrifying because we're just, we all get those things all the time because we're human, right? Like they're unavoidable. Um, and then I kind of set up my life in a way that I'm like paying attention to those things. ahead of time. So instead of reacting, right, like we've all been so hungry that we get angry, right? We get hangry. And yeah, everybody gets hangry, right? And so I was like, well, what if I like eat ahead of time, like before I get so hungry that I turn into a jerk, right? Like that's sort of the, the idea behind it. And the chapter on loneliness really bummed me because it is so detrimental to our mental health, our physical health and our emotional health when we get lonely, but, you know, in 2023, the Surgeon General put out this big report that was like, hey, we have a loneliness epidemic, right? And actually, you could smoke 15 cigarettes today, every single day, and be healthier than if you're lonely. Like, that's how bad, that is how bad it is. To be lonely. And so I'm researching for this book and the American Time Use Survey tracks like how much time you spend with various groups of people, right? And from the age of 24 until retirement, friends are at the bottom of the list. You spend lots of time alone. You spend time with your kids until they move out, you spend time with your spouse, you spend a lot of time with your co workers, and you spend the least amount of time with your friends. Okay. Interesting. And again, that's true from the age of 24 to retirement for the average American. Okay. At the same time, your friends dictate so much of your personality in your life, right? So, if you're friends with hikers, you go hiking. If you're friends with people who drink too much, you drink too much. Whatever your friends do, you kind of also do. And so, so your friends are the most efficient relationships that you can have. They have the highest impact on your life in the least amount of time that you spend with them. And so they're really, really important. So important. And what I started doing to take advantage of this is like, every day I try to call somebody. Just for like a 10 minute, how's it going? Like, just to say hello. And man, it's like more dopamine than like a cold plunge in ayahuasca and like anything else you can imagine. You will feel so good when you get off the phone. But we don't tend to do it because we think that we're going to bother, right? Like, oh, I don't want to bother whoever. That's so true. Right? But like, when somebody calls you, like when a friend calls you, especially if it's out of the blue, especially if it's somebody you haven't talked to for a while, you never look at the phone and say, Oh, what is that asshole? Right? Like, you're like, Oh, sweet. And you pick it up and you chat. And then 10 minutes later, you have a gigantic smile on your face. And even if you felt awful, the whole day before that, you're, you're like a completely different person now. And so, you know, and we all have 10 minutes, right? We have 10 minutes Sitting in traffic, we have 10 minutes walking the dog, we have 10 minutes cleaning up the house. Like, we can find 10 minutes in the day, if we make a point to do it, to just like call someone. Just to say hello. Not because you need something, but just because you want to say hello and you want to connect, right? Right. And, uh, and it's been awesome. It's been so great. It's one of the coolest things. Oh my gosh. Like, I'm so glad that we're having this conversation. Literally yesterday, Troy, let me tell you. I'm going to my cousin's wedding in It would have already happened by the time this interview airs. But I went to go get a dress. And as I was trying on dresses, I was like, Oh my god, this dress looks like the one my friend wore to my wedding. And I was like, I haven't seen her since she moved towns. And I was just like I should text her. And then, you know what? Then I was like, I did exactly what you said. I was just like, nah, she's got two kids. She's probably busy. It's like the middle of the day. Like, I'm going to bother her. And I'm like, I'm going to text her right after we get off this interview and just be like, Hey, how's it going? You know? Um, okay. So I'm gonna Whitney, I'm going to push you a little bit. Yes. Don't text her. Call her. Okay. I will. Call her. Because there's like, you know, this is like another theme in the book that I'm writing, which is like quick fixes are usually just quick. They don't fix anything, but like we're so into quick fixes all the time. Right? Like, Oh, I'm hungry. Like, let's go through the drive thru. Let's grab a Snickers bar. Let's do it. And like texting it or social media is like the quick fix version of friendships. Right. That's so true. You're right. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like a potato chip. Like you'll send the text and it'll feel good and it'll feel good, but like, it really won't be as fulfilling. As the phone call, which is like eating a steak, right? Like, you'll feel good after that. So, yeah, carve out, even if it's eight minutes, spend eight minutes on the phone. I will do that. And then you can totally, when next time we talk, you can totally just be like, Did you do it? And I'll be like, Yes, Troy, I did. Yeah. And now we're like talking all the time. Yeah, I'm just gonna just do it. And it'll happen and it'll feel super good. And there are there are a couple things. So here's here's what I hear people say is like, I don't have time. We already talked about how that's because you have you have 10 minutes or you have eight minutes in the day. You just have to do it. So to remember, you can do a you can do a couple things. You can set up like a A group in your phone or whatever of like people to call right and just like scroll through your contacts and just add them to this group. So then if you're like, Oh, man, I should call somebody, but I don't know who to call that. People say that. Oh, I don't even know who I'd call. Just like, or when you're scrolling social media, you're like, Oh, I haven't talked to that person a while. Just put them on the list. And then when you're like, Oh, I don't know who to call, just look at the list and then just, just randomly pick a name, right? Like somebody you haven't talked to, just pick it. Or they're like, Oh, it'll be so awkward. We haven't talked in a long time. And so here's what you can do. Just remember Ford, right? Like, okay. Fords are like generally kind of like reliable cars, right? And this is a framework to easily just catch up with somebody, right? And so it's like, you just asked them about their family, their occupation, recreation. And dreams. That's good, right? So just remember Ford and once you and listen, it's it's like a snowball. Like once you start this conversation. It won't, it won't be awkward. It'll be awkward for 30 seconds until you guys actually start talking. And then you'll forget about Ford altogether. But if you walk in with a plan that says, Oh, I'm going to ask them about their kids. Or I'm going to ask them about, and then I'm going to ask them like, Oh, how's work going? I'm like, Oh, you know, have you traveled lately? And they're like, Oh, like, what are you looking to accomplish this year? Things like that, right? Yeah. Like Ford is an easy way to get into. Those conversations. So there's like really no reason not to just call somebody once a day yeah, that's so true. I mean, I shouldn't I don't even know why I feel like it would be awkward like I've been friends with her for so long. And like, Me and you are having these like real conversations right now for a podcast, and I'm like, just treat it like it's a pod, you know, like, just catch up, yeah, yeah. Um, and so, oh, I love that. I love that. Okay. Okay. So everyone remember Holt angry, or hungry, angry, lonely, and tired, and Ford. Sorry, say that again. What was F? I forgot F. Family. Family, occupation, recreate, recreational, and dreams. Boom. You nailed it. You nailed it. A plus. Yay. And I will, I will put this in the show notes. If anyone is like me and forgets or is like, maybe they're driving and listening to this, I'll put everything in the show notes so that it's all laid out for people. That's awesome. That's perfect. Yeah. They're like, yeah, they're easy things. And once you like, once you click into them, you're like, Oh my God, it just can become second nature. Awesome. So like, what else? You said that this was, loneliness was a chapter in your book. Um, what else does your book touch on? Yeah. So, you know, I went through a whole lot of shit over the last few years, right? So I shared that I went to rehab to take care of a drinking problem. Right. And then. Like, in the process, like, here's what happens, like, when people get sober, they like, they're like, Oh, I'm going to start taking care of my body, right? So I started doing that. I injured my shoulder. Um, or like re injured my shoulder, right? And so, you know, I go to the orthopedic guy. He takes an x ray. He says, Oh, you know, I'm going to need an MRI. And I go, I'm like, yeah, I kind of figure, like, I had torn a rotator cuff or, or whatever. And he calls me and he's like, hey, we're, we need, we need one more MRI. I go to take it. He's like, I'm going to mark it as an emergency so that you could just get it done today and we don't have to worry about insurance. And I'm like, okay. They're like, listen, I don't love it when doctors say emergency, but okay. Like, we'll just go get it done. Right. Uh, and then he calls me at 5. 30 that night and he says, listen, man, like I am not the doctor for you. You don't need an orthopedic guy. You need somebody who deals with rare orthopedic tumors. And he said, I got a guy, I have two guys, let me, I'm going to, I'm going to call you in the morning and let you know who to call. So that was it. That was like 5. 30 at night. And then he calls me again at 8. 30 the next morning. So I'm the guy who last called. Of the day and then his first call the next day and he says, you got it. You got to talk to this guy. He's the he's the best for these types of things. And he's on vacation. But I texted your images to him and he said he wants to, he wants you to be the first guy he sees next week when he's home. Oh, wow. Holy shit, right? Right. And so You must have been like, racing, like, how, like, that was so bad that this dude on vacation was like, reschedule everything, you know? Not only that, not only that, he said, and before that, cause maybe this was like a Wednesday or a Thursday, he's like, he needs a new MRI. Because he can't see everything he needs to see, and you're going to have a biopsy right after that. And, and after that appointment, like two days later, maybe, he diagnosed me with big, scary, dangerous, rare cancers. His words. And it turns out that I had I was like, that's the fucking bingo of scary stuff, right? Right! Uh, and And so I had bone cancer and he ended up taking out my shoulder blade. Wow. And so what all of this taught me is like, we, we go through life with all of these problems that we try to solve. Right. And we solve one problem and then another one pops up and then we solve another problem and then one is just like whack a mole. But what I found is like the real issues in our lives. Don't have solutions. They will always be there, right? Like we talked about tacos before, right? Like, okay. So, so you were hungry today. I bet you were hungry yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. I promise you will be hungry tomorrow and the day after that. And the day after that, and the day after that, there's no salt in like two hours, right? It's that right? Like it's never going away. You'll be hungry the rest of your life. The same thing is true for your emotions. You will always have them. The same thing is true for your relationships. And the same thing is true for your energy, you know, like your sleep and your exercise. And so instead of trying to fix all these problems, I found that you get much better results when you nurture that instead, and you pay attention to them a little bit at a time. Right. It's like a constant work in progress. And like, you know, I don't think anybody's life is broken, really. They don't need to be fixed. They just need to be nurtured. And when I had that flip in my mind, like, it was pretty amazing. Like, I, I lost 60 pounds, I'm 1, 303 days sober now, like, my My cancer, like, is, is gone, knock on wood, like, you know, I have a, I have a prosthetic scapula and it will, you know, it'll change my life forever, but like, like I'm, I'm alive and good and, you know, I'm like sleeping so much better. It's like things in my life has just gotten so much better when I stopped trying to find a solution to every single problem and just realized that if I take care of those four big ones, right, like, You can kind of organize these problems into four buckets because they're, um, they fit on like a two by two matrix, right? So they're either, um, like physical or emotional, right? And then they're either internal or external, right? Or you can think personal or social, right? And so if you think of things of, or issues that you face that are internal and physical, like that, it's hard to think of one that's other than like hungry is the most internal. And physical feeling you're going to have. It's like deep in your gut, right? Okay. And now, move over, and you have internal and emotional, and that's anger. Anger is kind of a stand in for the rest of your emotions, but, uh, it's a good one. If you think then about Emotional and external or emotional and social, that's a lonely, that's your relationship. And then if you look at external and physical, right? That's like your, that's your energy. That's like how your body's feeling. That's like your sleep and exercise. And so it took me a while to figure it out. But that's why HALT is so powerful because it captures all of the biggest problems that we have. And if you just figure out a way to nurture those things, you're going to be so much better off and you're going to get better results. Yeah, I love that. Like, I absolutely, like, I'm like sitting here listening to you and I'm like, so quiet because I'm like, keep telling me more, Troy, like, I like, really, and in my head, I'm just like. In my head, I have the picture of the Foursquare and I'm just like, hangry, and you know, where does everything go? Um, but that's amazing. Like, you know, I'm speechless. I don't even know what else to ask. I'm just like, yes. Well, you know, and then I guess the other thing is that I think the order there matters. I think the order there matters because, you know, one of the, one of the, one of the big like mantras when you're in the, uh, recovery community is control what you can control, right? Right. And so, you know, I was never a big breakfast guy. Like you know, I was always heavy, I was big, I was, I was obese like my whole life and I like breakfast was just not my thing. Um, but I found that, you know, if I get some fiber and protein in the morning, it's like the first thing I do, but it's also. The thing that I can control the most, right? Like, when I wake up, I can have some fiber and protein. And that is just like, without thinking, I don't have to get too emotional about it. I just do that one thing. And it sets me off to have, like, a much better day, and I find myself to be less impulsive, not just about what I eat, but, like, everything else I do. I found that when I started doing that, I stopped doom scrolling social media first thing in the morning. Uh. For example, uh, and so that, that square is where we have the most control. Right? And then when you, when you move over to angry, now your emotions get involved and you have a little bit less control there. Right? Like we don't always, we, cause you know, things trigger us or we have emotional reactions to things and we don't always get to. Pick those reactions that you know, I keep like I could go on for hours because I think the nuances there but generally that's more difficult to control. And then when you scoot down like people bring chaos and in some ways that's really good because it brings other ideas to us and things like that but again there you lose more and more control. Right, and so starting if you can start with. Eating well, then you can feel good, and if you control your emotions and you're kind of centered yourself, it'll set you up to have better relationships. And then, if you have really good relationships, then you really pay attention to your energy, and that is the flywheel that kind of keeps Hulk going around and around. And it's, yeah, it's been life changing. Okay, so, for someone who is new to this, I know that I'm gonna pick up the phone and call my friend after this, right, and probably eat more tacos, but somebody who's listening to this and they're like, okay, I want to start somewhere. What do you suggest step one be? Step one is pay attention to what you eat. Pay attention to what you eat. Because your food and your mood are so tangled up. It's like they're tangled up tighter than a kitten who's had a ball of yarn for an hour. Right. Like you cannot disentangle them, but you have more control over what you put into your mouth. So start there. And this isn't like some diet thing. It's just paying attention to what you eat and the results happen from it. You know, there's like, yeah, there will be a thousand books this year telling you the next coolest diet. Right. The only thing that researchers agree on is the Western diet is like Yeah. Fatty fried food. Right. Like that's That like everybody, all researchers agree on that. But then after that, like, yeah, you can have a healthy diet if you're, you know, like carnivore or vegan or whatever, what, like you can make it work for you. Right. But just like stay on task to things that like everyone kind of know, like if food is healthy or not, we kind of know, but we say like, it's not healthy, but it tastes good. Right. Yeah. Okay, so those are two different, those are two different things, but we know when we're getting something that's kind of healthy, and by paying attention and doing like more of that, then you set yourself up for a better mood, not just in the, not just in the short term because you are doing good things for yourself, but then, you know, over time, you reduce, disease, right? It's hard to feel good if you don't feel good. Okay. Yeah, that's that's true. Yeah. Right. And so that's the place to start because it's the place where you have the most control. And, for me, like I said, for me, it was focusing on getting protein and fiber together first thing in the morning. And that was super helpful. It was that and then for me, it was paying attention to the good things that I get. So I kind of, you know, like I, I cut sugar, and cut carbs, right? And people are just like, Oh, but the way that I think about it is like, Oh man, like I eat a lot of like meat and vegetables and peanut butter. And that's awesome. Like those things are delicious. Like those things are really, really good. Right? So instead of focusing on things that I'm taking away, I focus on the good things that I get to have and then it doesn't feel so awful. Yeah, or overwhelming like you don't have to go with cold turkey, because that's gonna make you really angry. Yeah, right. Which then I feel like then causes a lot of people, no matter what, like you're talking about, like food or anything is like going to the gym or not going to the gym. But like when you try to go do something like all in right off the bat or stop cold turkey. Then that's kind of when you throw your body who, who's, you know, had this routine off. And then that's when you like start flaring up emotions and you're like, well, if I keep doing this, I'm always going to feel angry at myself or disappointed that I didn't go to the gym today. And I'm like, but you went to the gym yesterday. Give yourself some grace. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can do a couple things. You can, you can definitely give yourself a. A little grace and just say like, okay, then I won't miss the next day. Like, don't miss two in a row is a good, is a good thing. Um, but you know, then the other thing is like, yeah, lean into some lessons from the, you know, the recovery community, which is like, just like one day at a time. Mm-hmm Right? Because you could do anything for one day. Right. Right. Yeah, it's when, like, like, if you talk to an addict and you say, like, you're never gonna use this for the rest of your life, like, I thought about that, and I was like, no, there's no possible way I could breathe and not, and not drink ever again. Right? Like, it's so overwhelming. But one day, yeah, I could do one day. Yeah. I'm not you just wake up and you say. Yeah. And then you just wake up the next day and you're like, okay, well, not, not today. Yeah. Today's not the day. And when you add up all those little things, then all of a sudden, you know, like people end up going like three decades with it, you know? That's great. Yeah. Like I'm, you know, kind of newer. I'm like three and a half years, but. There are people, yeah, who are, you know, three decades, and they just do it one day at a time. So yeah, just, and then that's manageable. One day is manageable. So just do that, just do one day, and then again. And I also feel like bringing this also kind of full circle to friendship is that like, Talk to your friends about it. Like, see if anyone wants to, you know, do it with you. Get an accountability buddy, you know? Yes. Yes. Because like you were saying that like, the friends you hang out with they affect what you do and, and your activities that you're engaged with. So, you know, If your friends are also on board and they want to try or like, you know, maybe if you're trying not to drink, don't go out with the friends who do drink, that kind of thing, you know? Absolutely. And, and the friends who really care about you will support you even if they don't follow you, right? Like, I have lots of, lots of friends who are still amazing friends of mine who drink and that's fine. But, you know, what they do is like anytime I'm over at their house, they have a birthday party or whatever, there's like, There's something that's not alcohol to drink because they're supporting me. Right. And so, but, yeah, you gotta like say it out loud. You gotta tell, tell everybody. I think a few, a few reasons for that. One is like, I, I tell people like, there have been a hundred and seventeen billion people who have lived on this planet. Right? So you're not special. Like anything that you are going through, somebody else has gone through. And that's why it's beautiful, right? Like you're not special, but you're also not alone. And that's the beautiful thing. And so by talking about things that you're struggling with or things that you've gone through, you do a couple things. One, you signal to people who are behind you because there's always somebody Behind you that they can make the next step because you did right, right? So there's always somebody behind you who's looking up to you. But if you don't say anything, they won't know, right? Like, I, I was the first person in my friend group or my immediate group who did have to deal with addiction and that was like, that was super hard because I didn't have anybody who was like, just, just ahead of me there. I had to go, I had to go out and find, I had to go out and find them. But guess what? But when I found them, I was so grateful. That they talked about it because they said things that I was like, man, I thought I was the only person who felt like that. But I thought that because I wasn't saying anything. So I wasn't signaling to other people who were also struggling that they were not alone, right? And so you, you signal to people who are just behind you that it's possible to take the next step. Then you signal to people who are at your same level, like, hey, we can share notes and commiserate and like, kind of go through this struggle together. And then the other thing is that the people who are further along than you are, like to give back. Right. This is true in sobriety, this is true with professionals, this is true for people in sports, this is true, like, they like to, people generally like to be helpers and if they know where you are then you signal to them that they can help you. Yeah, I mean, even in the parent community there are so many, like, moms on TikTok and, and Reels just being, like, mom hacks. Even like people who are like Target hack, Costco hack, like one of my high school life skills teachers, she always had this phrasing, that phrase that she would say, keep moving forward, but don't forget to reach back. And then so then if everyone helps. Pull somebody up, then we all pull each other up at the same time. Exactly. Yes. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So I always think about that too. And, you know, whenever I try to like, I worked in the mental health field for 10 years. I just decided to retire kind of out of it. I retired working with clients. I'm still doing like admin support on the backend, for my previous boss. And between learning that from my life skills teacher and also then taking AP psychology back in high school, I was like, I want to help people. And so, like, that's what I do. And, like, even though I'm not quite doing that anymore, I, like, this is why I kind of like doing this podcast and why I wanted to start it, was, like, I want to talk about stuff that people don't talk about. You know, like, this isn't just a business. Podcasts isn't just a parent podcast. It's like for anyone who wants to just come on say your chaos or listen to people who've been there before and maybe that will inspire you to reach out which is always why I like like reach out to our guests reach out to us, you know, and I mean, we even have, this, like, anonymous, uh, line that they can form that they can fill out, and it can be a tip, a hack, a question, and they don't even have to sign their name. Yeah, we're calling it, Sip and Share. And they can, they can leave their questions or their advice or whatever anonymous, and we will read them out during certain episodes. And so this is just the psychology part of me, and it's just like, I just want to keep creating, and I think it's so important, platforms for people to talk about issues that aren't so mainstream. I know that a lot of things are coming to light now, like in, in media and in movies and, and TV shows and all that. But we also have to remember that some of that stuff too, that's like heavily filtered, right? Sure. Whereas in like, you came on and I was like, where are we going with this? I don't know where it goes is where we'll go, you know, yeah. So I feel like you have given so much like info and I really hope that the listeners like take some of this and run with it. We're going to put everything in the show notes and also how to reach out as well. But do you have inspirational or anything you want to tell the listeners. Yeah, one, one more thing to leave on that I think is pretty good, which is the power of writing. Okay, so Ethan Krauss is a psychologist in the University of Michigan, and he has a great book called Chatter, right? And we all have the little chatter in our brains, right, and his book's about that. In the opening, he explains that in our minds, we can say like 6, 000 words a minute, right? It's like three State of the Union addresses. It's so much, and it's too much to process, right? When you speak, you're more like 135. And that's a pretty brisk speaking pace. But, obviously, much slower than 6, 000 words. And so, there's a researcher, his name is James Pennebaker, he's at the University of Texas, and he talks about the power of transforming your thoughts to language. And that it really helps you understand those thoughts better. And I think this is why, because it forces you to slow down, right? So if you're talking at 135 words a minute, if you're a really fast typer, you know, you're like 70 words a minute, right? And if you're writing by hand, it's 13. And so that's why writing is so powerful to help you understand yourself a little bit. And so, You know, I started a journal practice where I have like the seven most important things in my life and I cycle through them on a weekly basis, right? So like Mondays I write about affirmations, Tuesdays are challenging emotions. Wednesday is Slay the Dragon or like big projects. Nice. Thursday, Thursday I read about my marriage. Friday I read about work. Saturday is my kids. And Sunday are aspirations. And I just cycle through that every single week, right? And so it means that the biggest aspects of my life will never go a week without me thinking about them or shining a light on them. So I don't have any place for resentments to build up because resentments are pretty awful too. But by writing about them I have to slow down my brain and then I can really process the thought. So it's the power of writing. Is incredibly important. Nice. That's amazing. I can't even tell you how many books I like, or journals I filled during high school. Like, I can probably go into my old, like, childhood bedroom and It's a great stack of just just random thoughts and like homework on the side, of the market. Well, cause that's the thing that's like running through your brain in high school, right? Of course. Yeah. And there's are, you know, there are like a couple of ways to do it. Some are just like free flow, right? Dr. Pennebaker's process, you know, he calls it expressive writing. To me, when I heard him say expressive writing, I thought it was more like writing poetry or stuff like that. But really, what it is, it's like, you know, for him, it's like, uh, 20 minutes where you just, like, write about, like, free, like, as fast as you can, right? As fast as you can. If you don't know what to write, repeat what you already wrote, right? It's just, like, keep going until you can just Let it go. And he suggests using it for like negative stuff to get your negativity out. Right. So sometimes I do that, but I do like to focus on positive things. I think if all we do is look at negative stuff that we're going to feel bad all the time. So yeah, it's important, you know, like There's 6, 000 words in it that are chattering through our brains, so much of them are negative. So I like to inject some positivity into it too, so there's a couple different ways to approach it, but whatever it is, I think it's just like so important to change your thoughts to language. And so writing is super powerful. It's like the number one thing. If I didn't do anything else for my mental health or my well being or anything else, I would, it would be the last thing I gave up. Nice. Awesome. Okay, so two more questions for you. How can people connect with you and do we know when your book's coming out? Do we have a date? Um, it will be March or April. Oh, nice! March or April. It's pretty, it's, it's like, heh, nice! I'm like, ooh, yeah, I have a lot to do. So that's, that's when it will come out, it's called No Silver Bullets. With a subtitle that I'm still working on, but gotcha, you know, yeah, the idea is like there's not one thing that's gonna fix you. Right, right. Um, and yeah, so I don't have an exact date, but March or April. And then, uh, I would just tell people to go to my subject. Okay. Go to my sub tag. It's called, it's called, you can just search my name Troy Carnes or, uh, I call it Halt Log. We'll put the link in the show notes too. Yeah. Everything will be in the show notes. The Halt, the Ford, the links. Um, we should definitely, you know, if you're up for it, we should definitely come back on and kind of do an update after your book is out. If you'll have me, I'm happy to come back. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I'm so interested. And then like, Because I like to post, like, what book I'm reading to, um, on my personal, but like, now that I'm, like, thinking about it, like, maybe we should have a book list, not that we're a book club, but a book list of things that people could read, and then if, you know, when your book is released, we can add in it. I know it's going to be after this podcast is released, but I'll come back and I'll add in, the links to where people can get it. So that no matter when people are like, if people are like listening to this for the first time, post book or coming back in, like, you know, refreshing themselves on these techniques, it will be all linked right there for them. Yeah. And they can, like, when, when this comes out, yeah, reach out on Substack and send me a note. And I'm happy to add you to the list of people who will get updates as we get closer to the book's release. Yeah. I'm excited. Like, I, I love, I'm a nerd. I love books. Awesome. I have way too many books that. Like my shelving units have books behind books, like there's like sub layers of books. Yeah. Um, and then I rotate them out depending on this season if I want like more romance, more psychology, then I switch them out. It's like how we, it's like how we switch out like our sweaters in the wintertime. Yes, yes. Yeah, exactly. Time to get out the winter wardrobe. I actually busted out this Christmas Disney sweater today too. I love it. It's time. I love it. My toddler has been going around saying it's the first day of Christmas for the last like, what's the day? The fifth? The, for the last like, Actually, I wouldn't even say for the last five days, like, ever since, like, Thanksgiving ended and people started putting up Christmas, uh, decorations, everywhere we go, she keeps going, First day of Christmas! Just because, anytime she sees any kind of decorations, it's always the first day of Christmas, adorable. I love that. She's three. She can finally understand that what Christmas is about. It's a cute age. AKA presents is for in her, for her. Yeah, I'm super excited, and yeah, thank you again for coming on here. This was really, like, it shocked me, and I, I love reading psychology books, and I had never heard of Holtz before, so I learned something, and then the fact that, like, you started talking about stuff that I was literally going through, like, yesterday, I feel like This was like perfect timing as far as we're in sync. We're in sync. That's perfect. Well, thank you for having me. I appreciate being able to chat with you. And like, it's so amazing that you're developing this platform where people get to share because, you know, I obviously think that sharing is incredibly important. So I appreciate the work that you're putting in. I hope to be here. For a while on this podcast, as long as, you know, our listeners love us, you know, aka leave reviews, too. Um, so, yeah, thank you again. Smash the subscribe button, right? Oh, yeah, what they say, like, make sure to like and subscribe for more, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweet. Well, thank you, Troy, and everyone else. I will see you next week on Caffeinated Chaos. Bye. Bye. Thank you for joining us for this episode. Big thank you again to our guest Troy for coming on and talking so much with us today. I got absolutely so much from this episode and I hope that you did too. Be sure to follow us on Instagram, follow Troy. All the information again is down below in the show notes And don't forget, if you love this podcast and you love this episode, please leave us a review. It really does help us reach more people and we would really appreciate hearing from you. Alright now, I will see you all on Thursday. Bye now!