Caffeinated Chaos

31. The Five Self-Love Languages with Guest Dolly

• Whitney Aguon • Episode 31

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Dolly brings both professional expertise and personal experience to her work, helping clients heal mentally, physically, and spiritually. She empowers people to rediscover joy, purpose, and self-love. In her first book, The Five Self-Love Languages: A Blueprint for Healing Childhood Trauma and Embracing Self-Love as a Lifelong Foundation, Dolly shares transformative insights on how to heal trauma and build a foundation for inner peace and fulfillment.

Dolly, a trauma recovery registered nurse, works with parents to help them overcome past trauma, enabling them to be their best selves for their children and businesses. In her book, she introduces the concept of "self-love languages," focusing on how individuals can deeply love and care for themselves. The first of these self-love languages is "self-attunement," which emphasizes connecting with all parts of yourself—emotions, behaviors, addictions, and inner child—to foster a deeper sense of self-awareness and healing. This self-love is essential for attracting abundance in family life, relationships, and careers.

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Welcome to Caffeinated Chaos, where business deals happen between diaper changes and friendships are fueled by caffeine. I'm Whitney Uggen, your host, and I'm here to talk all things business, parenthood, and of course, keeping up with the BFFs. Whether you're juggling the boardroom, the playroom, or just here for some coffee fueled chaos, we've got you covered. Get ready for real talk, laughs, and a whole lot of heart as we dive into the beautiful mess that is entrepreneurship, parenthood, and everything in between. So let's embrace the chaos together. Caffeinated, of course. Today's guest is deeply passionate about helping others heal and reclaim their lives. Dolly is a trauma, is a dolly, is a trauma recovery registered nurse licensed in California and a holistic mental life. And a holistic mental health life coach. With over two decades of experience guiding individuals and families through crisis, specializing in childhood trauma recovery, and codependency healing, she integrates a powerful mix of mod. Having personally overcome battles with depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, and suppressive systematic oppression, Dolly brings both professional expertise and a deep lived experience to her work. She has helped hundreds of clients heal mentally, physically, and spiritually empowering. Empowering them to recover joy, purpose, and self-love. Now she's here to share her transformative her. Now she's here to share. Now she's here to share her insights. In her first book, she's now, she's here to share her insights from her first book, the Five Self-Love Languages, A Blueprint for Healing Childhood Trauma, and Embracing Self Love as a Lifelong. Foundation as a lifelong foundation for inner peace and fulfillment. I am so excited for this conversation, so let's welcome Dolly to the podcast. So welcome to the podcast, Dolly. I'm so glad that you're here. We've been talking for a while. I know. Listeners. You don't know this, but me and Dolly are actually, I finally have a guest who's in the same time zone as me. Yeah. Yeah. So we totally know like it's the middle of the day. It's nice and bright and sunny here in California. And it is nice to actually not be super early or super late recording this. Yay. So okay. Introduce yourself. Tell our listeners a little bit about you. Hey everyone. I am so excited to be on this beautiful podcast and talking to you guys. I am a parent myself and I help other parents recover from. They're past unhealed trauma, so they can be the best versions of themselves to their children and to the businesses, which our business is also our child. So I'm a trauma recovery registered nurse, licensed and experienced in California, and I help people recover from their past trauma so they can be the best business people, best parents as they're reparenting themselves. In this adult life. And I've written a book, you guys. It's called The Five Self Love Languages. This book will teach you how to heal your past trauma so you can live in love with yourself and in love with your life. So I'm so excited to be here with Whitney and talk all about self love and how to reparent yourself while raising your children and while growing your businesses. So excited to be here. Yeah. Okay. I'm so excited. So before we dive too far in, because I have questions about the book, for anyone who is, as you listen to this is like, I need this book. I'm going to put the link in the show notes. So you can go ahead and grab that down below. Okay. So we're going to dive into it. Okay. So five self love languages. I, Oh my gosh, my love language. For me, yeah. I'm not sure which ones you wrote about in your book for, but for my love language, like how my husband like showers me with stuff is like, I am like a touch person. Like I love a good massage, you know, like I like hold my hand in public. I am All for that. What are the five that you talk about in your book? So, you know the love language that you're mentioning that's a that's one of the five love languages As in how do you love other people so you can love other people by offering them? Gifts or like you said touch or words of affirmation But then these are the five Self love languages, how do you show love, true, deep, meaningful, unconditional love to yourself so you can be there for yourself and become the best version? So I, let's get into the five love language, self love language. Yeah. Give us a little teaser. What are the five? So, the first self love language is self attunement. And in the book I talk about attuning to and being present to accepting of all parts of yourself. So I talk about how to be self attuned to your addictions, how to be present and attuned to your inner child, how to be self attuned to the present moment, how to be self attuned to your behavioral patterns, good and bad, how to be self attuned to your emotions, right? There are so many parts of us that we don't even Tap into and make connection with, and that's why we feel disconnected. That's why we search for answers outside because you really haven't connected to the parts of you that will give you the answers to, Hey, which direction do I want to take? my business to? What should be my business? What is my calling? All those answers really to raise kids, to build businesses, to follow and live in your purpose. You really need to be speaking the five languages of self love and that when you are so deeply, madly, unconditionally in love with yourself is what attracts abundance in your family life, in your relationship. in your work, career, businesses. So yeah, just the first self love language is get to know yours, all parts of you. Right. Yeah. So, and then offer them compassion. So in the book, I talk about how, what are the ways you self attune to your intuition, to your emotions, your body, right? In the first step, you're only really getting to know yourself deeply. And the second self love language is self compassion. Compassion, self compassion means you radically accept and in the book, I teach you the steps on how to radically accept all parts of you and then how to offer compassion to yourself as you're going through life because life You know has challenges and people who are raising kids and building businesses. That's their daily life they're facing challenges and failures and successes But through all this being so compassionate to yourself And you know what? Most people don't know how to offer compassion to themselves. They can be compassionate towards their children. They can be compassionate towards other people, but they're not able to offer themselves that safe, soft spot, you know, with within themselves. Yeah. So that's the second. That's, that's amazing. Yeah, because I feel like, you know, that saying where it's always like, you're the harshest critic, right? However they say it. But yeah, I feel like, I'm one way towards my children. And then I'm like, Oh, my God, Whitney, why did you do that? I feel like I'm like self talking myself down sometimes. Yeah, yeah. And you're not alone in that. Mothers are the hardest critics of their own self. There's a term, right? I'm sure you've heard of that mother's guilt, that toxic guilt that working moms carry so many times because they want to be there all the time for the children, all the time for their customers, all the time towards marriage and relationship. But when did you take care of yourself? Did you even listen to yourself? Did you even listen to what's going on the inside? Or you just said, Oh, I'm all right. I'm tough. I got this. And did you just keep on pushing? And then sometimes you'll push yourself past your own limit and not even recognize the damage you've done to your own body, to your own soul. So that's when self love languages are so important. So we can stay grounded and connected in love with ourselves and offer love and growth from and service from that place of self love. Yeah, I can even tell you that with the episodes that we've released so far, number, our second episode was parent guilt versus business guilt. And it to this day is still the highest listened to episode. So I feel like a lot of people, even though some of them may not talk about it, a lot of people are interested in this because they feel those guilt and that pressure to be here. And there at the same time. And you really can do it all like you can be the best mother and there are women in this world who have it all. They're the best moms do and providing for their kids, being there for their children, and also building business empires. You know how they pour into the cups of their children and their employees because their own cup is so full of love, compassion, grace for themselves. And that's, yeah, that's the, really the first step into being successful is having that solid foundation that no success or failure defines you, only you define yourself in terms of love and compassion and acceptance of your journey. I feel like a lot of people, when they see these. People in like media or high performers and they are like, how do they do it all? How does she do it all? It's because it's not just poor, poor, poor. They have to make sure that they fill as they pour, you know? And Also just understanding that what they see too on social media is the, curated feed as well. So we may only see them doing one thing and we're like, how do they still do it all? It's because Yeah. In the back end, they're taking time to themselves and they're doing what you're talking about. And that's self fulfilling, self loving your own cup. And it's not just about taking the time for yourself, which is very important. It's about how you use that time. Too poor. What do you need? A lot of moms don't even know what they need. They've suppressed and rejected and put on the back burner their own needs for so long that they've lost touch with what really fulfills me. Is it a bath? Or is it a prayer? Is it walk in nature? Or is it walk with your husband? Right? So you really got to know yourself deep enough to know what to intuitively know your needs and then be bold enough to fulfill those needs. And that's the gap that we, I see a lot with female, with women entrepreneurs, especially mothers, that they will nurture the whole world, but from an empty cup. And then that's when the burnout begins. That's when the high functioning depression begins. So you can produce a lot on the external based on your spirit and from your soul, but you have to pour into that soul and have the tools and the skill set. I teach the skill set in this book exactly what you need to maintain your, the strength of your soul. Because every entrepreneur, when they start this, the journey of building a business, it's a soul calling. It's something that, that really drives them forward and they give all of themselves to their children and their businesses, but at what cost, how long are you going to go if you keep denying all other parts of you and only uphold the mother's role and the worker's role. And then the third self love language is self forgiveness like that is so important on a business journey. And while you're reparenting yourself as you're parenting your children and nurturing your business, self forgiveness and people say that, yeah. It's important, but then do you know the steps? Do you have the tools? So in the book I lay out all the steps that you need to do when you feel the burden that guilt Did I make a mistake? How am I going to move past this mistake? So many times things happen and people just tell you, oh, it's okay. Failures happen. It's all part of the journey, which is true. But then if I made a mistake and I'm really repenting and feeling badly about myself and what I did, what are the steps? So in the book, I talk about the steps that you need to take to forgive yourself on the daily. Because so many times, We do little something to ourselves or something with our children and you're like, Oh, she should have done a different, should have made a different choice. And then you on because you shoved it under the rug, but your nervous system and your body is really holding on to all that little guilt, the big guilt, the toxic guilt. Yeah. And that burden will slow you down on your journey. So I'm going to just break off a little bit, but like, can you tell me what inspired you to write this book? So what, what made you be like, this is what I need to get out in the world. Yeah. So it's born out of my own journey and experiences of myself and my clients and patients. So I see patients at a local hospital, in mental health and behavioral health, and I work with moms. who have been through the same journey. So I'm an entrepreneur myself. Right now I have the mental health business, but then before this I had schools and before that I had another business. And entrepreneurship is just in my blood. I come from a family of businessmen and women. And but what I saw also in my own family is work at every cost, show up for customers and children at any cost. And that cast for me was Dark Night of the Soul, Falling Apart. When I sold my schools right before the pandemic, I was like, Okay, there's a huge void in my life without the business. And then when people's children grow up and leave the nest, they have a huge void and they look inward and they're like, Oh, I don't even really know myself. Wait, I didn't get to know, I'm living with myself in my body, but all I am is my thoughts that are, that run and run on autopilot. I didn't even take the time to understand anything other than. You know, put my all into the business, put my all into the children and now I'm shell of a person left. I was burned out. That's when I went on this journey to really get to know myself and all parts of myself. And once I got to know all parts of myself, my inner critic was so harmful. My inner critic was so judgmental. My inner critic was sabotaging me hard. And the pain of it was, leads to depression, leads to anxiety, leads to that high functioning. I was living with high functioning depression for such a long time and I didn't even realize it. So it's really born out of my own journey of healing and coming together as a, I would say, as a successful human being. If I may say so. You may say so. Say it louder too. Just coming, going through what everybody goes through but actually putting it, all I did is put words to it. Because I know there are many women who go through it and do find the answers. All I did is put it together to help other women or moms, business people who, Who are struggling with same things, but very silently because we're such strong souls and we're so driven by our purpose, but you know what? You're going to be able to do a hundred times more, and I'm not even kidding a hundred. You will accomplish a hundred times more if you. Take the time. And in the book, I tell you what to do in the morning. What should you do in the afternoon? How to check in with yourself, how to soothe yourself. If a customer is rude, if your children are triggering you, you don't learn the skillset, just like you're learning everything about how you're reading books on how to raise children the right way. And you're consuming content on that. You're reading books and going to business school on how to build. an empire. Look, read this book so you can be so solid, such a solid foundation within yourself upon which you can create, anything and everything you, your calling is endless. Like you can do so much when you're solid in your soul, in your mind. So, self attunement to your belief system. and figuring out what beliefs around money are holding me back. Things like that. Yeah. So I talk about all that in the book. Yeah. So that's a really long winded answer to your question. It's born out of my own desperation. I feel like it's such everything that you're talking about. Like I too, I did 10 years in the mental health field too. I worked with adults with, developmental disabilities. And one thing that I also saw there too, was all the parents of the people that I worked with, they themselves, too, were getting super burnt out. My staff was getting burnt out. Our turnover rate was so high. We had some lifers, you know, who had been there for a while, like me. But Then, they would have been there forever, had we not had to close because of COVID. And that really just shut the program down. But there are people who can do this long term, and then there are people who constantly get burnt out, too. So I feel like the book itself, is just something that many people, need in their life, even if They're not quite sure, or willing to admit it yet. It's okay to invest in yourself as much as you invest, like you said, in the learning of how to make your business grow, how to grow your children. And, I feel like people need permission and this is us giving you permission listeners. This is your permission. If you need someone to say that. to invest in yourself and better yourself. So yes, I think you're hitting it like straight on the head, like with everything that you're talking about. And I'm so glad that you like, decided to come on this podcast. And, yeah, I'm really, really excited that you are here. Again, I'm just gonna say that right now. I'm so excited to be here talking to you. Yeah. When the whole process has been so, Professional and the intake and everything. I was like, Oh, this is a really good fit for me, to bring the word of self love to people who just love others and give so much because that's most of your audience, people who are giving to children and giving to corporations or giving to their own small businesses, so just read rebuild because life happens, but then we need to do maintenance, think of anything like a road. A road is built great, but then you need to do maintenance because the more, people travel on it, you've got to, you need to do maintenance. And then also the past will hold you back, slow you down, limiting beliefs of the previous generation. We're so far ahead of. But then we have the same old limiting beliefs about money, about success, about what you can accomplish in life. So when you do the self love program from the book, and you can do it yourself, it's written for somebody who has no background in psychology. And you will understand, oh, these are all my parts. This is what gets triggered when my child is active. This is what gets triggered when my customer is being unreasonable. This is what get triggers when I put in so much more work but another person is getting ahead of me without, there's, so in business there's no real logic sometimes why someone's business takes off and another person's does not. So to soothe and nurture yourself through all these difficult circumstances and challenges that we go through. That re parenting. So in the book, the third, self, fourth self love language is self parenting. Okay. When you get to know all parts of yourself, and you get to, and you accept them, you forgive a lot of your parts, and then you start to Reparent yourself, which I call self parenting. So you self parent that inner child who maybe has some wound, so wounded parts inside of you. You self parent the shame that comes up. So if you failed at something or somebody called you out. The shame that comes up, you self parent that, how to recognize a shame spiral and how to handle that. Then I talk about how to self, I give you steps on how to self parent your nervous system. Because that's truly is the difference between people who don't get burnt out on, on life and businesses and things, and people who do quickly get burnt out. How much can your nervous system. Tolerate the discomfort of failure or another person being unreasonable. So I teach you how to strengthen your nervous system so you can be expansive and present to your child when they're falling apart, that you don't start crying or start screaming when your child is, you know. Which happens like all the time, me too. I feel like that's so relatable. Yeah. Right? Like when your children are just acting out, you just feel so helpless, so powerless. But if you've done the work to sit in that, Discomfort, then you'll be able to take the next step with your child or show your customer because customers will act like children as well. Sometimes, yeah. Yep. So how do you self parent through the triggers and the trauma responses. That's what I teach in this book. How to handle fear or anger. You know, fear and anger are two things that come up so much on your healing journey because when you're raising children, fear comes up a lot. When you're building a business, fear comes up a lot. So how do you work with your fear and take those courageous, emotionally mature steps forward? Okay, because I love actionable steps. Like we are all about actionable steps here. What would you say is a good kind of like a first step or a starting step for our listeners to take, if they're like really feeling moved by all this? Well, get the book. Yeah, obviously, that one. Okay, so a second step. Get the book and start reading it from page one. It's just laid out, it kind of builds on itself, and you will get more and more intimate with yourself, and you will find intimacy with your pain. And you will find intimacy with your strengths and your weaknesses. So it's a process and you will build your emotional landscape as you read the book. And then in the book you will see the first step really is to Go inward and I hold your hand in the book. I say, I'm here with you as your mentor and guide. So you go inward and really get to know your inner child. What happened? What was not okay with me? What did I do? What are my reactions today? So there's all these behavioral patterns that I talk about, in the book. And do you see yourself in those behaviors and what to do about it? You know how to cope with addictions and other yeah, so I love this. Okay. Before we get too far towards the end, I have to ask because we are caffeinated chaos. Do you have a little chaotic moment to share with our listeners? Oh my goodness, yeah, for sure, just raising my children, and understanding where they're coming from, and seeing my trauma responses, like how I act and how quickly I go into, Oh, they don't like me. Or this is the reactivity. When I see that reactivity in my children, that's when I realized, Oh, I need to have a better response. If the child is acting out, really wanting to do something unhealthy food or unhealthy, you know, watch screen, oh my god, the screen watching, the screen time is a big one. Yeah, that struggle. Wait, because I'm on the screen a lot. So how am I supposed to take their screens away? And when I do take the screens away Definitely chaos ensues and I'm sure a lot of mothers can relate to this because when you take away their screens It's almost like their pacifiers are gone and they're like, okay Children these days are not really geared to, I'm going to go out and play and I'm not going to come back, until you're yelling for me to come back home. Oh, I remember that. Go play until the streetlights come on, you know? Yeah, yeah. So I think that's a constant chaotic struggle in my life, even now, to how do I communicate? And stay calm and grounded in this struggle because this is a never ending, almost feels like a losing battle as a mom. Trying to manage the screen time and the chaos around it, the communication around it. Because if I don't have the patience and my cup is running low, how am I gonna, you know, reason with the child? Because so many times they need. They need you to sit with them and reason and slowly pull them out of that trance of screen time, just watching, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That's been my most, that's like a consistent chaos that I deal with. That's fair. I feel like that's a chaos that we can all relate with. Like my daughter, she uses a, one of our old iPhones and she plays, learning games on it. And then we, and then she also has like YouTube, which is, blocked for everything, but we're always like, okay, you can do 10 minutes. She calls it homework. 10 minutes of homework and five minutes of video. And then we got to brush our teeth. And then I. I help her with this being okay with giving it up being like, okay, do you want to do your homework first? Or do you want to do your video first and then giving her that choice and how she can dictate on it? Usually she'll pick the video first and then she'll do her homework and then so by then she's just like, I don't want to do this anymore. And then I'm like, Oh, I guess I got to charge it, you know? Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Because you directed her brain towards the non addictive. So she got her fix of completing a task and the dopamine from task completion versus getting it from the screen. Oh, that's really good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. mean, we also don't charge it like over 15%. so then I'm like, oh, it died, oops, gotta put it on the charger and I was like put it on for like 10 minutes. Girl, wait till she gets smarter and figures all this out. Then you'll have to level up your I know, I gotta get twice as smart now. Right? Yeah. This is a struggle that it's so hard to keep ahead of. You know, with their screen and then when you're running low on resources and energy and you're dealing with the old your own burdens, it's so easy to just be like, and then you feel like just not a good mom when you just give in and you're like, Okay, fine. There's nothing I can do. I've got to give into this, they're watching and then I feel terrible about it and then that starts another chaos inside me, the guilt of it and how do I handle this And I'm pretty sure almost every mom, at least in the United States, is dealing with this. 100 percent I guarantee you like there's people out there who are listening and they're like probably nodding their head even if they might not be realizing that they're doing it like, Oh, yeah, screen time totally get it. Yeah, so I feel your pain moms. We are right there in the battle with you. That's what it feels like. It feels like a battle against these screens to save my child's nervous system. Before we say goodbye, how can our listeners connect with you. How do you want them to reach out if they have questions or anything? Yeah. So shoot me a message from my website, holisticdolly. com. At the bottom, there's a little form with your name and your message. You can send it to me. I get it right away. Or you can send me an email, holisticdolly at gmail. com. I'm on Instagram. The. holisticdolly. com Dolly and my YouTube where all my long form learning is the holistic dolly. Okay, awesome. I'm gonna put all those links down below, so don't worry. You don't have to remember them. Listeners, you can just go down and click as well as the link to get Dolly's book. Yes. Yes. Get the book. This will be the best investment you make for your children, yourself, your business, and just for your sanity. Thank you so much for joining us, Dolly. I'm like super excited and, if you ever write a second book, you gotta come back on. Yes. Yes, definitely. I'd be happy to. Yeah, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you for giving me the time and the platform to bring the message to those who are still struggling and trying to figure this out. Yeah, it's so important. That people take care of themselves so they can take care of others. Oh, that's it. That's it. That's it. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of others. Don't just take care of others and forget about yourself. Nope. No. That's gonna be like the quote of the episode. It's just like, yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. Everyone else, I will see you all on Thursday. That's a wrap on another episode of Caffeinated Chaos. I hope you're leaving with a little more clarity, a lot more inspiration, and maybe even an extra shot of motivation. If you loved today's episode, don't forget to follow us, leave a review, and share it with a friend who could use just a little chaos and caffeine in their life. Until next time, keep embracing the mess, chase your dreams, and make magic happen. One caffeinated, chaotic moment at a time. I will see you all soon. Bye now.

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Whitney Mihalko - Aguon

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Dolly

Guest

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